Sometimes I need to write to think, to understand it all- to figure all this crap out- to understand how ive changed- and why this happened to me. So I write to u. In long complicated detalied e-mails I try to explain it all- so u understand who ive become-
i always start- but once its started I never do a good job- theyre always a mess- they never make sense- i get bussy~ and by the time i sit down again its all old news- when i see you again- we'll catch up- and there will be no distance- but rite now-

knoe i love u-
For giving me the courage needed:
To seek joy in the saddest of places.
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around me.
To never look away, but instead to watch.
To respect strength, never power.
And for making me understand my own significance
one day ull know.~
but right now- just know ill never to forget.

- theres a 4 page e-mail in my drafts folder- which will be finished before saturday- x.

selamat hari jadi brunei~

Sometimes I need to write to think.
So I wrote it down.
I tried to explain it; but I didn't do a very good job of it.
This is what I wrote:
To love or be loved.
To never forget your own significance.
To seek joy in the saddest of places.
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you.
To pursue beauty to its lair.
To never simplify what is complicated and complicate what is simple.
To respect strength, never power.
Above all, to watch.
To try and understand.
To never look away.
And never, never to forget.

-i'm bored. haha. jess.<3

And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head This all was only wishful thinkin, this all was only wishful thinkin...

did no one ever stop and think oh i dunnoe... maybe we should give them a break- did no one ever stop to think... oh i dunnoe... their 17 maybe its not good to make them work a 12 hour day- did anyone ever fucking stop to think... MAYBE INSTEAD OF THIS THEY SHOULD LEARN TO LIVE ALIL....

im so fucking pissed ... i cant remember ever feeling this way before.. like i have to remind myself to breath .... like i wanna scream and shout and break things at the same time...

lol yeh... i cracked...

it wasnt suposed to be like this~

All I can say
I should of said
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Strange things happen to 17 year olds when theyre deprived of bullyshyt for a long time- im not asking 4 hard-core bullshyt -rite now something mediocre, something truly insignificant would be a god send- one thing I was sure of moving here- was that id have more bullshyt- but as it turns out- I couldnt have been more desperately wrong- maybe Im paying my dues? if i am- it better be FUCKING worth it

song (for the slightly excentric) - my sherona- the kinks

im missing u mushroom- like alot ='( xoxox

lol u know ure partying alil too hard when there are pictures of u dancing on stage on the Luxo-radio's website =/

ehttp://www.eldoradio.lu/events/eventpics/index.php?show=photos&nr=39&tcategory_id=651#c

http://www.eldoradio.lu/events/eventpics/index.php?show=photos&nr=53&tcategory_id=651#c

She ain't got no money- Her clothes are kinda funny- Her hair is kinda wild and free- Oh but love grows where my Rosemary goes -And nobody knows like me
x.

kate and tha hagan daz- so funny neither of us could be bothered to go downstairs too put it in the freezer- so we just put it outside of my window lol- we figured its so could outside it would last till morning - btw download secret smile- simisonic =) i frinking love that song at the moment

kate being my secratary- like my retro fone?? lol i think its been around since they built the house = s

iris kate lisa elaine and kari <3

kari's new hair- MY GOD i love it

my darling dribble...again =)

happy b'day toby =)

irina sweet heart happy 17th =D

okay here we go.... lol another HUGE blog- =) and u knoe its gonna be even more random than the last- firstly =) before i start going on about my birthday i must say some happy birthdays myself...

Irina- may u have an awesome year my darling =) i knoe togther we can pass math and bi0 =) it may drive us insine... but i knoe if ive got u sitting nxt too me ill stay awake- lol i love u lots and lots- and im so glad i found u- big birthday kisses =D

and TOBY =) shyt man i wish i could have made u a cake- lol ure face last year was pricless (btw anyone got a photo??) may 16 be good too u- and may u have a fricking awesome year- im sure u will lol- lovya darling x.

okay so what have i been up too - well.. i had my first big american girly sleepover =D so so so much fun lol- Elaine i had SUCH a good time- u knoe how u see american homes on TV- and ure like... nah... Lizzy McGuires house isnt ure typical american household... well if elaines house is anything to go by American houses ARE that amazing =) the food is SO good also lol- like MY GOD good- we made real american cookies and brownies- and had pankcakes AND loads of other stuff for breakfast... sigh =D i will post pictures soon... i just need Kari too upload them herself- OMG it was so funny- Kari ure so cute... we were making chocolate chip cookies- and she was like... so we have to chocolate... but where are the chips?? =D lol i laughed SO hard- =D

so then on umm ...monday... =D i got loads of presents from my mummie and daddy- eventhough theyre paying 4 me to go to manchester- (did i blog about it already?? IM GOING TO MANCHESTER WITH KATE =D in umm... 20 days =D=D=D lol) so yeh and then i went too school and i got SO MANY presents from KARI LISA and ELAINE it was so sweet... i got loads of lil things from each of them =D it made me feel so loved - and then- at luch elaine kari and kate brought in food 4 me it was SO sweet =) elaine thats gotta be the best cake ive had in a long time- thanks u guys - big kisses-

and i just wanna say thank u EVERYONE in brunei who remembered- it was so sweet all my blogs and e-mails it REALI made my day- truly-
and special huge thank u's to charlie and lou 4 calling =) u both made me cry - lol

and then yesterday- kari IRis elaine kate lisa christine and christina came over for dinner then we met loads of ppl at the cinima for a movie- and ugh.. im such a spaz- being the super efficient person i am i managed to mess up the times- so we missed 15 minutes of the movie - sorry u guys- we watched Rumor has it- which is alrite- watch it if ure bored... - then we went into too town for a drink and then WAM =) yeh dispite its minor disasters i had a reali good nite- thank u all for comming and celebrating with me - x.

and umm yeh then kate slept over- and yeh a good nite all togther- =D -
and yeh =P thats about all my news- oh and it was my mummies b'day on thursday - i sware there is so much cake in our house rite now i think it will last us till JOEs- b'day =/
omg i almost forgot =) i went to a malaysian resturant on friday - and i ate like ive never eaten b4- it felt SO good to just fill up on rice and noodles- =D can u believe my mum knew the resturant was there the whole time- and she didnt fricking tell me ... im gonna be going there ALOT from now on =D -
alrite i better get bak too my hwk-... cos u knoe... sunday nite... lots of catching up too do...

love u all and thanks again
big kisses
hanaxoxoxo

mmm 6 months today- wow thats weird-
*may the next six months go A LOT quicker-*
and hopefully- in six months ill be bak in brunei =)


im sure am gunna miss her
as a girl naive un-to this world

look in her eyes you can find her
look in her eyes you can find her somewhere
look in her eyes you can find her
look in her eyes you can find her somewhere
somewhere