i like to think im lost. and actualy- i hope im lost so this isnt what its all about. it kinda feels like my life is on hold. im numb to it all. im watching the world go by. living in the past and dreams of the future but i never for now. now im just at best a bystander - waiting for life to mean something again. soon i will be able to decide where i am- what i am -when i am. but untill then i just watch the people around me and hope for a conection- i dont like to say how i feel. i dont like admitting to myself this is the way things are. its easier to ignore it. pretend like its okay. but those around me know thats not true. people who i can not make a conection with but some how i conect to them want to know. but they never will. they can read as much into it as they want. but it wont help. theyll never understand. at the moment im happiest in my memories and my plans - this is the last time i will be traped. after may it will be my decision. if im sad. then its my fault. if im sad its my responisibility to do somehting about it. but untill then nothing is my own. and that scares me. that sickens me. and you know i dont even have my own voice anymore- i feel an idiot publishing this. i know its indulgent self pitty. who the fuck am i to say what ive just said- to feel this way. but they ask me how i am. and thats how i am. people ask for the truth. they want to understand. cos i go out of my way to understand them. maybe i want to be left alone? - maybe i dont. i dont know what i want anymore. unless you do the IB and are unhappy you can not understand. and within that small group of people we are all fucked up in our own individual way. my dad wants 34 points and if i dont get it ive got nothing else to offer him. maybe thats wat makes me sad? or maybe its something else. i dont know. all i can do at the moment is to hope its just a phase. that ill find myself soon. and what it all comes down to... i hope beyond hope i get the points. cos if i dont.- and i say this without a hint of exageration- god help me.

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